By Amy Remmele

Amy Remmele is a personal and professional consultant, with her formal education and degree in Psychology. Amy co-owns Peak Of Success with her husband and business partner, Dr. Kent Bath. They are the authors of the book, Re-Phrase It: Adding Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Your Everyday Life, the professionally produced six-hour self-help video, Life Enhancement, and the relationship workbook, Empathy, Communication and Conflict Resolution Home Study Program. Amy and Kent provide assessments, seminars, counseling and consultation to individuals, schools and businesses. Amy is the Convener of the Amherst Task Force for Healthy Communities and on the advisory board of the Small Business Council of the Amherst Chamber of Commerce. Amy balances her career with being the mother of a 14-year-old daughter and 9-year-old twin sons. Amy can be reached at 716-626-5977.

Ask the Life Coach
Answering Life’s
Important Questions

I welcome your questions. They can be emailed to amy@peakofsuccess.com or sent to Amy Remmele, “Ask the Life Coach,” 331 Alberta Dr., Amherst, NY 14226.

I welcome your questions. They can be emailed to amy@peakof success.com or sent to Amy Remmele, “Ask the Life Coach,” 331 Alberta Dr., Amherst, NY 14226.

“In My Day….”

I was recently at a business meeting where the talk turned to understanding the different generations. While I do not want to underestimate the importance of someone’s generation, I believe that successful communications and interactions are far more dependent on other factors.

First, it would seem that everyone involved in the interaction needs to see that each person, regardless of age, has some wisdom and knowledge to contribute. We all need to acknowledge that there is no substitute for experience. Nothing you read or hear can replace “hands on” trial and error. Sometimes it is the older people in the crowd who have this experience, sometimes it is the younger ones.

There is no way to predict ahead of time who will be best at what. That is what the communication is for. Be open and listen and learn. And every generation since the dawn of time wanted the next generation to have it better and they then wanted to comment on how much easier things are now than they were “in my day.”

Most people have trouble accepting that we are “hard wired” to be suspicious of differences among people. It seems to some that it is politically incorrect to admit that we have “blink” responses that are biased. It is not bigoted or biased to have a blink response or even to admit to one. It is bigoted if you don’t do anything about the blink response. So, when we have many different generations in the room, admit that there are some suspicions and some natural defensiveness.

Once past the initial responses, if we all pitch in to get to know each other and learn what we all have to offer, then we will move forward.

There are a couple of rules that will make interaction among any generations better. The first is something we have probably all heard, The Golden Rule. Treat others the way that you want to be treated. When it comes to giving global advice about interactions, this old adage is the best: Be respectful; Listen and attend to what the other person is saying; Be genuinely interested in what others think and feel; Be honest while being gentle; Give support and advice, but don’t rescue; Share your knowledge and expertise in a humble way; Laugh with others, not at them; Include everyone so nobody feels left out; Share power and control; and Give more than you receive.

The second rule applies to more specific communication. The Platinum Rule. This states that you should communicate with people in the way to which they want to be communicated. In other words, check out the other person’s “interaction style” and adjust your communication based on this information. This does not mean that you will be changing “what you say,” just “how you say it.” Your message, your values and beliefs and what you say are a part of you. We are not asking you to change that. But how you say it, the style you use, the language you use can make the difference between being heard and understood or being misunderstood and dismissed.

A very brief overview of styles. Some people believe that the world is a very friendly place, while others are a bit more suspicious and cautious. Some people believe that they have some power and some effect in the world, while others believe that they have very little power or effect.

When we take these belief systems and mix them together in varying degrees, we get many different types of interaction styles. We have people who like to do business while being social. We have people who want all the facts and figures to be perfect. We have people who just want results and want them fast. We have people who cannot work unless the whole team is on the same page.

We have people who want to come up with ideas while other people follow through and implement the ideas. We have some people who like to listen and some who like to talk. There are so many different types and there are ways to get each type to understand what you are saying and ways to get each type to “join the team.”

When people are behaving naturally, you can observe their basic interaction style. This will probably not change dramatically. But style can be adjusted in order to make communication smoother and more productive. Ask yourself some questions before you interact with someone. How does this person like to interact? Does he/she like to chitchat? Does he/she like all the i’s dotted and t’s crossed? Does this person hate conflict? Does this person get flustered if time becomes too pressing?

Once you have assessed the other person’s style, take a moment to adjust your style so that the interaction will glide right along.

This may be a good time to interject some “universal communication rules.” No matter what style you or the people in your life are, check out your body language. Your body speaks way louder than your words. In fact, anywhere from fifty to seventy-five percent of what we say is in our body language.

So, if you are shaking your finger in someone’s face, no matter what is coming out of your mouth, they are hearing you say, “I am threatening you.” If you are looking down at the ground with slumped shoulders, they are hearing that you are afraid. So, be very aware of how your body is behaving. And there is a Cardinal Rule of communication. Never show disgust to anyone that you want to continue having a relationship with. If you are unsure what your body is saying, check it out. There may be someone in your life who will talk to you about this subject. If there is not, beware! You are probably scaring everyone.

In the most efficient and productive workplaces (and homes) everyone knows everyone else’s interaction styles through formal assessments. Owners and supervisors and parents then lead and manage based on the styles. All interactions at all levels are done through mindfulness and awareness. Everyone feels respected and all voices are heard.

So, while generation and gender play their roles in communication, styles and how they are managed will go much farther toward effective and productive interactions. When everyone becomes the best communicator that they can, synergy happens, solutions are created, and productivity goes up and up.

Amy Remmele is a personal and professional consultant, with her formal education and degree in Psychology. Amy co-owns Peak Of Success with her husband and business partner, Dr. Kent Bath. They are the authors of the book, Re-Phrase It: Adding Empathy and Emotional Intelligence to Your Everyday Life, the professionally produced six-hour self-help video, Life Enhancement, and the relationship workbook, Empathy, Communication and Conflict Resolution Home Study Program. Amy and Kent provide assessments, seminars, counseling and consultation to individuals, schools and businesses. Amy can be reached at 716-626-5977 or at amy@peakofsuccess.com.